JessVsGrief

It’s Sunday, May 3rd.
Six days until the two-year mark since Rodney passed.
It’s also been six days since I’ve written anything here, and today felt like a day I needed to.
The weather was beautiful. 80 degrees, sunny, the kind of day that used to feel like Sunday Funday. That’s what we always called it.
But if I’m being honest, it doesn’t feel like that anymore.
It just feels like… Sunday.
Quiet. Still. A little empty.
There’s this strange mix of emotions right now because I’m also supposed to start my new job this week. And that should feel exciting. In a lot of ways, it does. It takes pressure off financially, and after everything the last few months, that matters more than I can explain.
But the timing feels weird.
Starting something new while walking straight into the two-year mark of losing Rodney feels like emotional whiplash. Like life is asking me to move forward while my heart is bracing for impact.
I keep telling myself I’m not going to focus on the date too much. I don’t want to sit in it or let it take over the whole week.
But my body knows.
That’s the part that’s hard to explain unless you’ve been through it. It’s not even just thoughts. It’s physical. I feel heavy. Tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix. There’s this quiet anxiety sitting underneath everything, like something is coming even though I already know what it is.
Anticipation grief is real.
And I can feel it building.
I’m not looking forward to this weekend.
That’s the truth.
It makes me really sad knowing it’s coming, knowing what the day represents, and knowing that no matter how much time passes… it still matters.
It still hurts.
Right now, I think the only thing I can do is take this one day at a time. Not the whole week. Not the date. Just today.
And today was warm.
Today was quiet.
Today, I made it through.