JessVsGrief

I haven’t blogged since 4/13, and honestly… a lot has happened.

The last couple of weeks have been emotionally and mentally draining. I did receive a job offer on Wednesday, which takes some stress off my life, but getting there was a process. Five rounds of interviews, six different people, and a two hour Excel test. It felt like a constant cycle of hope, nerves, waiting, and exhaustion.

And I did all of it without Rodney.

That part is what hit me the hardest.

There were nights I would lay in bed and cry, and then have to stop myself because I knew I had an interview the next morning and didn’t want to show up with puffy eyes. It felt like I didn’t even have space to fully feel everything because I had to keep showing up.

I found myself talking to him more than I have in a while. Just saying things out loud, wishing he was here to tell me it was all going to be okay. He always knew how to calm me down, how to support me, how to make me feel steady. Not having that has been really hard.

And with May 9th coming up, it’s all sitting a little heavier.

Two years.

I don’t even know how that’s possible.

I’m supposed to start my new job on April 30th, and in some ways the timing feels right. It will be a distraction, something to focus on, something to help me move forward.

But if I’m being honest, part of me wishes I could push it back a couple more weeks. Just to have a little more time to process everything that this season is bringing up.

Still, I know I’ll be okay.

I’ve made it through everything up to this point, even when I didn’t think I could. And I’ll keep going… even on the days when it feels heavier than I want it to.