JessVsGrief

May 6, 2026

Three days.

In three days, it will be two years since Rodney passed away.

I can already feel it in my body.

I have been trying not to focus on the date too much, but grief has a way of showing up anyway. The heaviness. The exhaustion. The anxiety that quietly sits on your chest before you even open your eyes in the morning. It’s there whether you want to think about it or not.

Last night, I barely slept.

Part of it was first day at a new job nerves. I had gotten my laptop, but I couldn’t log in, and my brain immediately started spiraling through every “what if” possible. What if something goes wrong? What if I can’t get connected? What if I look unprepared on day one?

But underneath all of that was something heavier.

This morning I woke up realizing I was starting another new chapter of my life without Rodney here beside me.

He was always my biggest supporter.

He would have told me I was going to do great. He would have reminded me everyone was going to love me. He would have hyped me up before every meeting and told me I had this. Even though I work remotely, he would have been here all day asking how things were going and wanting every detail afterward.

And this morning, the silence of not having that hit me hard.

I think what hurts differently this time is realizing this is a part of my life he will never know.

This new job.
These new people.
This version of my life.

He will never meet these coworkers. He will never hear the stories. He will never fully be part of this chapter with me, and that reality feels incredibly heavy tonight.

But despite all of that, I survived my first day.

I met everyone on the team, and overall, everyone seemed really kind.

At one point during a conversation, I mentioned that I was a widow. It honestly just came out naturally. We were talking about where I’m from, family, kids, and all of those normal “getting to know you” questions that happen when you start a new job. And before I could even really think about it, I said it.

“I’m a widow.”

The conversation got a little heavy for a second, and she was very kind and apologetic about it. But it reminded me again how complicated grief can feel in professional settings. I don’t want people to treat me differently. I don’t want to become “the widow” at work. But at the same time, this is my life now, and sometimes it naturally becomes part of the conversation whether I’m ready for it or not.

It’s still strange saying it out loud to people who don’t know me.

But I made it through the day.

And afterward, I drove to the cemetery and sat with Rodney for a while. I told him all about my first day. The meetings. The people. The awkward moments. The nerves. Everything.

I don’t know if grief ever stops making these milestones bittersweet.

But today, I survived something hard.

And maybe that counts as enough for today.