JessVsGrief

Today marks two years since Rodney passed away.

I honestly don’t know how two years have gone by already. In some ways it feels impossible that it’s been that long, and in other ways it feels like I’ve lived an entire lifetime since that day.

The day was hard. Really hard.

I spent most of the day feeling sad, lonely, and lost. A few people reached out to check on me, and I am grateful for every message, text, and act of kindness. But if I’m being honest, the silence from some people hurt. The people I thought would remember. The people I thought would reach out. The people who mattered most to me. Their absence was loud, and it left a heaviness on my heart that followed me throughout the day.

As the day went on, I decided not to spend it alone. I went to my mom’s house for a while and spent some time with family. Later that evening, my nephews and I went to the cemetery. Just the four of us.

We released balloons together and spent some quiet time remembering Rodney. There wasn’t a crowd. There wasn’t a big event. It was simple, personal, intimate, and special. Looking back, I think that’s exactly what I needed.

One bright spot in an otherwise difficult day was seeing Rodney’s Light continue to shine through others. People reached out to tell me they had donated to charities, bought groceries for strangers, helped someone in need, or simply showed kindness in Rodney’s honor. Reading those messages brought tears to my eyes and reminded me that even though Rodney is gone, the impact he had on people is still here.

In Rodney’s memory, I donated supplies from the Amazon wish list for KC Pet Project. It felt good to do something that would help animals in need, and I know Rodney would have appreciated that.

I also spent time at the cemetery reflecting on everything that has happened over the last two years. The grief is different now than it was in those early days, but it is still there. Some days it whispers. Some days it roars.

Today it roared.

Two years later, I still miss his laugh. I still miss his voice. I still miss having someone to share my life with. I still wish he was here.

But today also reminded me that love doesn’t disappear when someone dies. It lives on in memories, in stories, in acts of kindness, and in the people who continue to carry that person’s light forward.

Two years.

I still can’t believe it.