JessVsGrief

It’s been officially two months since I was laid off from my job.

Two months of applications, uncertainty, stress, and trying to figure out what my life is supposed to look like now.

Somewhere in the middle of all of that, I decided to reopen my Etsy shop. That felt like a small step. A quiet one. Something I could control when everything else feels so uncertain.

And then I did something bigger.

I applied for First Fridays in Kansas City.

If you don’t know what that is, it’s an event in the Crossroads where artists and makers set up and sell their work. I’ve done it before… but the last time I did it was the Friday before Rodney passed away.

That detail alone carries more weight than I know how to explain.

But I applied anyway.

And I got accepted.

I got my inventory ready. I started preparing. Mentally, I was trying to get myself there… even though part of me was scared of what it would feel like to do it without him.

Because he was always there.

Helping me set up.
Helping me break down.
Just being my person in the middle of it all.

And tonight was supposed to be that night.

But it got canceled because of the weather.

And somehow, that brought a flood of emotions I didn’t expect.

Part of me felt disappointed.
Part of me felt relieved.
And part of me just… didn’t know what to feel.

Because the truth is, just getting to the point of applying was a big step for me.

A really big step.

Putting myself out there again.
Trying to rebuild something.
Facing something tied so closely to “before.”

And if I’m being honest… I don’t know if I was fully ready.

So tonight, instead of being out there, I’m home.

Sitting in the quiet.

Thinking about what this all means.

Thinking about May.

Thinking about whether I try again… or give myself more time.

I don’t have that answer tonight.

But I do know this:

Even considering it was a step forward.

Even applying was a step forward.

Even getting accepted was a step forward.

And maybe right now… that’s enough.