JessVsGrief

Today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary.

I wasn’t really sure what to do with the day.
Nothing about it felt clear or right.

I started the morning needing to get an affidavit signed and notarized for Rodney’s medical records. Of all days, it had to be today. Sitting there, handling paperwork tied to him, on our anniversary… it just felt heavy in a way I can’t fully explain.

I bought myself white roses.
I took one to him, along with a card like I always do. I wrote him a note, read it out loud, and sat there for a while.

The weather in Kansas City matched the mood perfectly. Gloomy, quiet, still.

I came home and took a nap.
The kind where you’re not really resting, just escaping for a little while.

I had thought about going to one of our favorite Italian restaurants for dinner. It felt like something we would have done. But being unemployed right now, I couldn’t justify it. So I kept it simple and had a chicken parmesan sandwich instead.

And then the rest of the day just… was.

I’ve been by myself, sitting in the quiet.
It’s felt really lonely. Like this weight of emptiness just surrounding me, and I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with myself in it.

I love him so much.
And I miss him in a way that doesn’t soften on days like today.

But I’m also so thankful.

Thankful for the love he gave me.
Thankful that it didn’t leave when he did.

I still feel it around me all the time.
And even in the heaviness, that love is still here.

And so am I.